To Listen Well, Pay Attention to Feelings, Not Words
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How empathetic listening can help you build better rapport with friends, colleagues, and strangers, according to Ximena Vengoechea
It feels good to feel heard. Equally, listening attentively when someone else is speaking can be a powerful act of kindness. But too often, things get sloppy: we don’t focus on the other person fully (that Instagram DM got our attention instead), or we mentally rehearse what we’re going to stay next, eagerly awaiting our turn to speak.
And so, instead of actively listening to our friends, family, or colleagues, much of the time, we only listen to ourselves.
In her book Listen Like You Mean It: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection, Ximena Vengoechea refers to these conversation slip-ups as blind spots. Sometimes they can occur without our knowledge, causing us to partly or completely misunderstand someone’s point, which in turn can make us feel alienated from others. “In a culture of self-promotion, overwork, and political and racial divisiveness, and the midst of unexpected global crises […], we need to feel connected more than ever,” she writes. “And listening provides a way forward.”
According to Vengoechea, empathetic listening can foster better connections. In other words, paying attention to what is felt, not heard. Through her work as a UX Research Manager in Silicon Valley, Vengoechea experimented with different listening methods, later developing a panoply of tips and techniques that she outlines in her book.
In a recent webinar with Kaushik Viswanath, Medium Books Editor, Vengoechea shared some of her most effective listening practices:
Validate your conversation partner’s experience.
One of the best ways to make someone feel heard is to repeat back to them what they’ve just told you.
According to Vengoechea, this helps validate the other person’s experience. Often all they might be looking for is an acknowledgment of their feelings. “Sometimes just saying ‘It sounds like you’re really stressed’ can be enough,” said Vengoechea. “Because often, we’re not necessarily seen or heard in that way.”
Typically, we’ll jump in and give advice. Instead, playing back the other person’s thoughts with phrases like “This is sort of the feeling that I’m getting from what you’re saying” can be more effective, Vengoechea said.
Besides, repeating the conversation can be clarifying for both parties. Many people try to figure out what they’re saying while they’re actually saying it, and so being the person to repeat back and clarify can have a positive impact.
To that end, Vengoechea suggests using phrases like“I think what I’m hearing is [….]does that sound right?” to get the clarification you need.
Ask your conversation partner what they need.
“It would probably be easier if you started every conversation knowing exactly what the other person wanted, but it’s often hard to do that,” said Vengoechea. “It’s hard for us as individuals even to be able to say what we need.”
To make things smoother, Vengoechea recommends giving the other person space to share first. If you have an inkling as to what they might be looking for, there are ways you can ask for confirmation, including:
- “Hey, what I think I’m hearing is….”
- “Would it be helpful if I shared a similar experience I have about that?”
- “Would it be helpful if I played devil’s advocate and shared what I think might be happening on the other end of this discussion?”
- “Would it be helpful if I offered some solutions?”
And if you really have no idea what the other person needs, Vengoechea suggests asking: “Would you like me to listen or respond?”
Not all conversations require participation or advice-giving. “Sometimes there’s no response that’s actually necessary, it’s just having the space to share something, and that’s the most important thing,” Vengoechea said.
Make sure your voice is getting heard.
“A conversation is not all speaking, and it’s not all listening, and relationships are not all based on one or the other,” Vengoechea said. “It’s a give and take, and you do want to make sure your voice is heard, too.”
To avoid becoming what she calls a “listening martyr,” she suggests auditing your relationships to figure out who might be taking more than they’re giving.
If you’re consistently not getting anything back, it might be to sign that something’s off. “Maybe that’s a signal for some of those relationships that it could be worth distancing yourself from that person and setting some boundaries with that person,” she said.
Exit a conversation gracefully.
Of course, in some cases, such as with colleagues and family, this can be challenging. “In those cases, it’s more about setting boundaries within a conversation; it’s about knowing how to exit a conversation gracefully,” Vengoechea said.
As such, she suggests being strategic about how long you talk to people who drain your energy and where you meet them. For instance, a busy restaurant might be more effective than an empty café where there’s no pressure to give up your table.
Vengoechea also advises setting boundaries upfront, saying things like: “I only have 20 minutes for our chat, but I’m all ears for those 20 minutes.”
And once you have to head off, elaborate excuses aren’t needed. Instead, Vengoechea recommends trying the following:
- “I really need to get going; it was great talking to you.”
- “I don’t want to take any more of your time. Let’s catch up later.”
Navigate difficult conversations with ease.
Sometimes, if things get too uncomfortable, you might need an immediate exit strategy. “I think there’s nothing wrong with taking a time out and saying it,” Vengoechea said.
When asking for a time out, Vengoechea suggests being as open and honest as possible with the other person and using language like: “I’m noticing I’m getting a little bit emotional about this and I’m actually having trouble hearing you, is it ok if we hit pause?”. In professional settings, like a tense performance review, asking for a bathroom break to take a few minutes for yourself can also be helpful.
“I think where we can get into trouble is when we try to push through,” said Vengoechea. Often we do this out of embarrassment, self-righteousness, or a desire to win an argument. When that happens, we go past our limit, and the conversation becomes unproductive because we’re so focused on ourselves we stop listening to the other person, Vengoechea said.
Tactfully bring the conversation back on track.
In both a personal and professional capacity, conversations get derailed often, but there are certain things you can do to help bring things back on track. “If there’s a meeting with an explicit agenda, point that out,” Vengoechea said.
For the most part, people go on tangents accidentally rather than intentionally. To gently but firmly help the conversation move along, Vengoechea suggests applying time pressure, with the following prompts:
- “This sounds like a really rich line of discussion; I do want to make sure we go back to the purpose of the meeting.”
- “We have 15 minutes left. Do we still want to keep talking about X, or do we want to return to Y?”
Rest & recover
While a good active listening practice can help you form better connections and relationships, it can also leave you exhausted.
To help recover, Vengoechea recommends quiet time, journaling, physical movement, and setting boundaries between your professional and personal life, particularly if your work requires you to listen to difficult or heavy conversations regularly. In that case, she recommends using mantras like “This isn’t mine to keep,” “I don’t need to hold on to this,” or “I can let this go” to help you get rid of the emotional load.
Listen Like You Mean It: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection by Ximena Vengoechea was published in March 2021 by Penguin Random House.
